Is Time Fun When You're Having Flies?

There's a winery in Napa Valley that has a saying, "Time's fun when you're having flies". It will come as no surprise that this winery is named "Frog's Leap". This winery has been a favorite of mine for a number of years because of the wines and the people behind them. One of those people is a man named John Williams. When I think of John, one word always comes to mind, heart. Well, humor does too and that is not a bad combination.

I think their website statement says it all. "Our mission is to make wines of terroir, responsibly farmed, sustainably produced and joyfully shared".

On a trip to New York City in 1985 with my first wife Sherrill, I went to a restaurant called Jams. It was opened in 1984 by chef Jonathan Waxman and wine expert Melvyn Master on East 79th Street. Drawing from Waxman's experience at Chez Panisse and Michael’s in Santa Monica, Jams introduced California cuisine to Manhattan, emphasizing fresh, seasonal ingredients, open kitchens, and wood-fired grilling. 

I had their famous chicken which was priced at $23. That was a lot of money for a half chicken in 1985, even in New York City. With it I had a bottle of Frog's Leap Sauvignon Blanc. I really liked the chicken but fell in love with the Sauvignon Blanc. It was a recommendation from the waiter as I had never heard of this winery. The label was whimsical and eye catching. It was drawn by Chuck House for the first vintage in 1981. He was paid $200 and a couple cases of wine. For Frog's Leap this was a bargain for what has become an iconic wine label.  

While drinking that wine, I decided I needed to start visiting California. This and the fact I now had a friend who had a house in Mill Valley right across the Golden Gate Bridge from San Francisco. A free place to stay is a nice thing. 

When I got back to Captiva, I asked all my wine suppliers about Frog's Leap Winery and none of them had heard of it, so they didn't have any of their wines in inventory. I got on the phone and called Frog's Leap. This was before the internet made things easier. I got Julie Williams on the phone. She was the wife of John Williams. The Williams and Larry Turley were the founders and owners of Frog's Leap and at that time they were the only year round employees. 

I told her I would like to get the Sauvignon Blanc for the Greenhouse wine list but none of my wholesalers had it. She said that's because they hadn't expanded their sales to the state of Florida. I asked was there any way I could get it. She asked me to describe the restaurant. I told her we were a small 50 seat family run restaurant serving contemporary American cuisine which was mostly seafood because we were on an island in the Gulf of Mexico. I also told her that our wine list was exclusively American wines. 

I guess she liked what I said because the next thing she said was, "How much do you want?" I said, "How about 10 cases?" She asked if I had a Florida wholesaler who would "clear" it for us. I told her to give me an hour and I would call her back. 

Alcohol sales in the United States after Prohibition revolves around the three tier system. 

Tier One consists of the actual producers of the alcohol, the wineries, distillers and breweries. This group also includes importers who bring in alcohol from other countries. They are licensed and subject to state and federal laws. 

Tier Two consists of the alcohol wholesalers / distributors who buy from the producers and sell to the retailers. They are the middlemen and are responsible for warehousing the product, managing the inventory, and delivering the product to the retailer. Their main role is to ensure tax collection, product control, and in theory maintaining a level playing field for producers and retailers. This last one is pure bullshit but that is another story for another day. These companies are licensed and subject to strict state laws and need a federal permit. 

Tier Three consists of the retailers that sell directly to consumers. They are the restaurants, bars, liquor stores, and grocery stores (where permitted). These retailers are licensed and subject to strict state laws. These retailers can only buy from licensed wholesalers not directly from producers.

This is why I needed a wholesaler to "clear" it for me. This means having a licensed wholesaler bring the product into their warehouse, pay the taxes and transportation costs and deliver it to me. There would be no inventorying the product. It was an in and immediate out.

I was friends with one of my wine salesmen, Hans. He was a "bring winemakers and winery owners into the restaurant for dinner", kind of friend. He talked to some of the higher ups and we had a deal. I would have to pay for all 10 cases on delivery but they would only charge 10% of the total invoice to "clear" it for me. 

I called Julie back and gave her all the information and in about 3 weeks we had Frog's Leap Sauvignon Blanc on our wine list. Even with all this special handling, Frog's Leap was about the same price to me as the other Sauvignon Blancs on my list. Of course I had to take all 10 cases at once. We were small, so didn't have a place to store that much wine at the restaurant. We lived in a house across the street, so we stored the extra in our garage. 

This was not exactly legal, storing wine off our licensed premises, but I didn't tell anyone and we didn't get caught. This is also probably the worst spot, in a garage in Florida, to store wine because of the heat. But our garage was shaded and the temperature was constant. It also provided no light and no vibrations, so we had the other main problems in wine storage covered. We went through the wine very quickly because everyone on my staff liked it as much as I did and it goes great with seafood, the major portion of our menu.

I would like to think we were the first restaurant in the state to have Frog's Leap Sauvignon Blanc on a wine list but I think a restaurant in Miami was first, so we were one of the first. Either way, it was the start of a beautiful friendship. Julie was another one of the people at Frog's Leap that always leave me thinking of one word. With her it was gracious. Well, humor too. Living with John, you have to have a sense of humor.

Sherrill and I started taking yearly trips to California. We went to learn about the different wines and what the restaurants were doing. I read a lot about new restaurants and chefs from food and travel magazines. Frog's Leap wines were on a lot of these restaurant's wine lists. 

I started buying vegetables, baby lettuces, mesclun, herbs, mushrooms, edible flowers, cheeses and fruits from a company called Wine Country Cuisine in Santa Rosa, CA. They shipped "hard to get" items to chefs all over the country. This was expensive but they were things I couldn't get locally at the time. It's hard to make contemporary cuisine when you can't get the necessary ingredients. 

On our trips, Greg Nilsen and Carol Klesow, the owners, would take us to meet with their different growers and producers. These were the growers of some of the best produce in the country. It was quite an education. 

While in Napa Valley we would stop by Frog's Leap Winery. We were there usually in late August and September, which was an extremely busy time for them because of "crush". Grapes were ripening, being picked, and being "crushed" into wine. A lot was going on and yet John and Julie were always hospitable people. They took the time to show us around and explain the wine making process. 

We never got to meet Larry Turley. He was an emergency room doctor and spent a lot of time doing that. John and Julie married in 1980 and with Larry had their first vintage of Frog's Leap in 1981. Larry owned the Frog Farm property so he was an integral part of the early equation. John had worked at Stag's Leap Wine Cellars with Warren Winiarski, the owner, in the early 1970's. In a late night wine fueled hot tub party the name Frog's Leap was born. I would later find out that several winery related decisions occurred in late night, wine fueled, hot tub parties. 

In the early years Frog's Leap bought all their grapes and didn't actually own any vineyards. They had long term contracts on different vineyards.

Napa has some great restaurants. Most wine regions do. We liked Mustards Grill, Terra and Tra Vigne in particular. In these restaurants and at the winery we got a chance to taste the other wines John and Julie were making at the time, Zinfandel, Chardonnay, and Cabernet Sauvignon. One year they let us come and work one day at the winery during "crush", so we could see how a typical day went in their busiest time of the year. 

That was quite an education. The day we were there, they were picking and crushing Sauvignon Blanc. We, of course, succumbed to most people's wine dream of picking grapes. John is a sensible man with a great sense of humor. When we told him of our desire to pick grapes, He took us up to the vineyard they were picking that morning. He said, "Before I give you one of these razor sharp curved grape picking knives, better known as a "Couteau Vendangeur", that will sever one of your fingers just as easily as a grape cluster, watch them work."  

In the time it took him to say this, his crew was halfway down the row. "I have been in this business for a number of years. I would no more grab a knife and join them in that field than I would grab a pan and start cooking in your kitchen. I don't need to be embarrassed. These guys do this for a living. They get paid by the pound, so they don't waste time. They are very good with that knife and until all those grapes are picked this is "their" field." 

I watched for a few seconds and then nodded my head. I didn't need to be embarrassed and I liked my fingers right where they were. We hooked up the wagons that were filled with the grapes they had already picked and headed to the winery. (I have noticed now when I visit wineries during "crush", the field workers are using "Harvest Snips" that resemble clippers rather than one of those razor sharp "Couteau Vendangeurs".) 

When we got back to the winery, we deposited the Sauvignon Blanc grapes into the stemmer crusher which as the name implies removes the stems and crushes the grapes. Because it is white wine there is little or no skin contact. Therefore after coming out of the stemmer crusher the "must" goes into a wine press which lightly presses (according to John the pressure is like a handshake) the grapes and the juice goes into a refrigerated stainless steel tank to ferment. I'm explaining this as I saw it back then. 

I have learned over the years visiting other wineries and in classes during my wine career that a lot more is going on. I learned one important thing that day. No matter what I know about winemaking, it isn't one thousandth of what John and Julie know. I'm just glad they were nice enough to tolerate my lack of knowledge. They are good people.

I helped with the cleanup of the stems from the stemmer crusher and the seeds, skins, and other solids from the press with another "helper for a day". All this residue goes back to the fields as compost. It is not wasted. 

Next, John and I went out into another vineyard. He had a refractometer with him, to measure the sugar content of the grapes to determine when to pick. He explained the basics of fermentation, i.e. Sugar + Yeast = Alcohol + CO2. He told me early in his career he had worked with the renown winemaker Andre Tchelistcheff who told him that the number one rule of winemaking is to constantly "taste". Taste in the vineyard, taste during the fermentation, taste from the storage tanks, taste from the barrel, taste from the bottle, never stop tasting. He said that this refractometer will give him the exact scientific amount of sugar in the grape but that he learns a lot more by tasting. He told me to taste a grape. I did. It was sweet.

When we got back to the winery, we did some more tasting. We tasted the juice we had just pressed. Then we tasted a tank that had been fermenting for a while. The flavor was sweet, sour, and everything in between. John learned a lot more than I did from these tastings.

The stainless steel tanks are refrigerated to control the temperature of the fermentation. Frog's Leap uses native and inoculated yeasts. The native yeasts are on the skins of the grapes, in the vineyard, and in the winery. The inoculated yeasts are specific commercial strains of yeast which are more predictable and consistent than native yeasts.

White wines are usually fermented using just the juice. Red wines are fermented using the whole grapes, skins, seeds, and solids, sometimes whole grape clusters. This causes a "cap" of all the solids to form in the fermenting vessel. This cap must be "punched down" using a tool that breaks up the cap and forces it back into the juice or "pumped over" using a hose, nozzle, and pump to take the juice from the bottom of the tank and shoot it firehose style over the cap which breaks it up and forces it back into the juice. Both of these methods extract color, flavor, and tannins. They also aid in controlling the temperature of the fermentation. Frog's Leap employs "pump overs" and depending on the grape occasionally punch downs.

All the wines at Frog's Leap are "Terroir" driven wines. Terroir is a French term that describes the unique combination of natural factors that influence the character and quality of a wine. These include climate, soil, topography, and human influence. A good taster can tell from the terroir exactly where the grapes were grown. John told me that a good winemaker has very little to do with making good wine. "The wine is made in the vineyard". He repeated that statement a lot.

We climbed up to the top of one of the huge stainless steel tanks that held the fermenting sauvignon blanc. John took off the lid. He peered inside and grabbed me before I could look inside. "Remember the fermentation equation. When you look inside, hold your breath. The CO2 will literally take your breath away. I don't want you passing out on me. That's not good for our PR." Like I said he has a great sense of humor.

I noticed a keg of beer inside the winey and asked about it. John said, "It takes a lot of beer to make good wine." I knew exactly what he meant. I had gotten pretty hot dealing with the stems, skins, seeds, and solids.

On our California trip in 1987, we went to Alice Waters' "Tasting of Summer Produce" at the Oakland Museum. This was an event that drew farmers and growers from all over the state but mostly northern California and mostly organic growers. They offered tastings of their fruits and vegetables and had displays of their growing techniques. Several of the farmers and growers for Wine Country Cuisine were there. Julie Williams was also there offering tastings of Frog's Leap wines. She is one hard working lady.

Back in Southwest Florida, South Seas Plantation on Captiva and The Chef's Garden Restaurant in Naples organized an annual event called the Southwest Florida Wine Fair. The first was in 1987. It was held on Captiva at South Seas Plantation. Several California wineries and grape growers were invited to share their knowledge and let attendees taste their wines. In 1988 John and Julie came and were involved in the tastings and the seminars. They had a chance to visit our restaurant and learn about Captiva. John was on a panel of 5 winemakers that were in the seminar titled "I like my red wine with..."

Each of the winemakers expounded on what food item went particularly well with their red wines. At the end, each one was asked to answer the question, "I like my red wine with...?" John was the last panelist. Each of the other panelist listed one food product i.e. lamb, beef, pork, chicken, venison, that went well with each of their red wines. When it was John's turn he said, "I like my red wine with whatever I'm having for dinner tonight." Short and sweet, this was the best answer of all of them.  

Over the next few years we always stayed in touch. We always had at least one Frog's Leap wine on our list. During these early years the Williams and Larry Turley got involved in converting the vineyards they used into organic vineyards. They did this with help from "Amigo" Bob Cantisano. He was sort of the Godfather of Organic Farming in California. Frog's Leap was one of the first wineries to convert the vineyards they used to organic viticulture. They also adhered to dry farming and sustainable winemaking. These practices were what the original quality wine producers in Napa focused on, i.e. Beaulieu Vineyards and Inglenook. 

In 1991, I got out of the restaurant business, moved to Atlanta, and got involved in the wine business working at Empire Distributors. Sherrill and I divorced. It happens, even to good people. Empire didn't represent Frog's Leap, so I lost touch with John and Julie. 

In 1993, Larry Turley decided he wanted to get more involved in the wine business. He and the Williams divorced. It happens, even to good people. He had always owned the frog farm property so that remained with him and he kept most of the equipment located there. He started Turley Wine Cellars, focusing on old vine Zinfandel and has become very successful. 

The Williams got the Frog's Leap brand name and all the long-term vineyard contracts. They had to move to another location. With help from Chuck Carpy at Freemark Abbey, they purchased the old Adamson Winery property in Rutherford known as the Red Barn. It was known as the Red Barn because of the large red barn on the property designed by Hamden McIntyre. 

It was built in 1884 by the then owner Christian Pugh Adamson, using local craftsmen. It was a gravity flow designed winery, like several of McIntyre's other designs, i.e. Inglenook Winery, Far Niente Winery, Greystone Cellars and Trefethen Winery. It was constructed in classic board and batten style out of local redwood and could produce 120,000 gallons of wine annually. Adamson Winery won many medals for its wines but phylloxera devastated the vineyards in the late 1890's and they stopped making wine at the Red Barn. 

Then Prohibition hit in 1920 - 1933 and just about killed the wine business in Napa Valley. The property was bought in the early 1940's by the Solari family of Larkmead Winery. They used the property to raise grapes and other agricultural products but didn't use the Red Barn as a winery, just mainly for storage. Over the years the Red Barn fell into disrepair.

The Williams bought the Red Barn property in early 1994 and with the aid of Architect Ned Forrest renovated the building and installed tanks and other equipment in time to produce wine in the fall. The next few years, were spent on developing the property and purchasing other vineyards. The Red Barn property included 45 acres of which 35 were vineyards.

Back in 1987, John and Julie had purchased the Tres Sabores property in Rutherford, which consisted of 35 acres and a house that became their home. They had 12 acres of Zinfandel, Cabernet Sauvignon, Petite Sirah, and Petit Verdot, which became certified organic in 1991. 

They had to start from scratch at the Red Barn. This was a good thing. It allowed them to design a new facility that matched their philosophy of sustainable, organic viticulture, traditional and gravity fed winemaking, dry farming, minimal intervention, and energy conservation. The best part was it was on land that they owned, well they and the bank. 

Today 10 to 15 percent of the Napa Valley is certified organic. 30 to 40 percent use organic practices and 90 percent are certified Napa Green, a sustainability certification. Frog's Leap was certified Napa Green in 2004. 

While working on the Frog's Leap infrastructure at the Red Barn, they also worked on developing the Rutherford Dust Society. Andre Tchelistcheff had a famous quote, "It takes Rutherford Dust to make great cabernet". I had heard the quote abridged to the statement, "Great cabernet must taste of the dust of Rutherford". I heard this quite a lot in my visits to different Rutherford wineries.

The Rutherford Dust Society is a group of grape growers and winemakers that exists to promote and preserve the unique terroir, heritage, and quality of the Rutherford AVA (American Viticultural Area) particularly through its renowned Cabernet Sauvignons. Their focus is to foster collaboration between growers and wineries in Rutherford but to also encourage sustainable and responsible farming and winemaking practices. 

All this coincides with Frog's Leap's desire to be sustainable and responsible. They have reduced their carbon footprint by utilizing solar power for almost 85% of their electric usage. They build new buildings LEED (Leadership In Energy And Environmental Design) certified. This responsible sustainability goes into the way they treat their employees as well. They believe that there needs to be a social equity where all their workers have full-time jobs, a livable wage, places to live and health insurance. This includes the farm workers. Most of the employees at Frog's Leap have been there for a long time.

Every year they try to narrow the distance between the highest paid employee and the lowest paid employee. They do this instead of buying cars, airplanes, art, bitcoins or any other of the things successful people spend money on. This is more important. This makes you want to support people like that because they show they have a heart.

As I said earlier, in the 1990's, I lost touch with John and Julie. In 1999 they divorced. It happens, even to good people. John kept the Frog's Leap Property and the subsequent debt which he is proud to say is currently over $22M. He has a little over 200 acres and produces 45K to 55K cases a year. Julie kept the house and the Tres Sabores property. She has established a winery on the property and produces about 2000 cases a year. They both have remarried. They have raised their children jointly. Kelly is a lawyer and Kylor is a doctor. They are trustees for family ownership of the Frog's Leap property. The eldest son, Rory, is Vice President, Viticulture and Enology and one of 3 Winemakers at Frog's Leap.  

In my wine career, I made quite a few trips to Napa Valley, but because I never represented Frog's Leap, I was always visiting other wineries. I drove by it but never got to actually see the Red Barn property.  

When Sally and I opened the Crazy Conch Cafe, we started having winemaker dinners. In 2003 I called John and asked him if he would come and do one. He came and told the Frog's Leap Story. It was one of our best dinners. His humor, the quality of the wines and his philosophy of making sustainable fine wine garnered quite a few new fans. 

No one tells the Frog's Leap story quite like John. This is because he is the Frog's Leap story. Being raised on a farm in western New York; getting into a work study program at the Taylor Wine company while attending Cornell University; meeting Larry Turley by camping out on the front lawn of the frog farm property on a trip out west; settling a dispute over whether he had been invited by Larry's sister with an early morning bottle of wine; working with Warren Winiarski and Andre Tchelistcheff on the 1973 Stag's Leap Wine Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon that won the "Judgement of Paris" in 1976; completing a degree in Enology at UC Davis in 1977; returning to New York as winemaker at newly founded Glenora Winery; meeting Julie, a California girl, in New York while she garnered a degree in Public Health Nursing from Columbia University; convincing her to return to California when he became the winemaker at Spring Mountain Vineyards; John and Larry selling their motorcycles to fund the first vintage of Frog's Leap; are all the stepping stones to the formation of Frog's Leap. 

John is a great speaker and he adheres, as I do, to Mark Twain's philosophy "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story". His recounting of Frog's Leap's history and philosophy was full of humor and amusing stories. A good story is a good way to sell pretty much anything. It provides a link for people to attach to. It doesn't hurt that he makes great wine too.      

Frog's Leap began purchasing grapes from the Rossi Ranch property in the mid 1990's. After the death of Louise Rossi in 2007, they were given the opportunity to purchase the land, the 2 farmhouses, old winery building and iconic white water tower. This was in the heart of Rutherford. John and his family moved into the one of the homes. They started a restoration of the historic property. The vineyards are a core part of their Estate Cabernet Sauvignon program. They changed the name to Williams Rossi Ranch so it is not confused with the Rossi Ranch property in Sonoma. 

Jared, my son, was in the Coast Guard and was a part of Search and Rescue. He was stationed in San Francisco for 4 years. He and his wife Ashley wanted to go wine country and visit a winery, to see how wine is made. This was in 2018. I called and got us a tasting and tour at Frog's Leap. What a beautiful property. 

I had seen pictures of the old dilapidated Red Barn before it was renovated, so I wasn't expecting the fantastic job Frog's Leap had done. We were given an extensive tour of the Vineyard House, Red Barn, Barrel Chai, Farm Center with greenhouse and the organic dry farmed vineyards with surrounding trees, bushes and plants that attract useful bugs and provide a cover crop for the vines. You could feel the vibrancy and life in the land which is also imparted into the wines. There were also lots of chickens, a dog who I think was named Abbie and a cat named Terracotta. You sometimes forget that these folks are farmers. The difference is what they raise makes very expensive juice. 

We sat at a picnic table in cluster of trees and tasted the current releases. Always amiable, John came over and chatted with us for a while. He had a few gray hairs as do I and he commented on the long history we had together. I greatly appreciated this because I could see he is a very busy man. Not much happens at Frog's Leap that he isn't a part of. 

We had a late lunch at Mustards Grill. It is a favorite of mine. I always eat at least one meal there on every trip to Napa Valley. I remember on one trip in the mid 80's, John was loading 5 cases of Sauvignon Blanc in his truck to deliver to Mustards. I had eaten there earlier in the week and mentioned to him that I noticed a Frog's Leap Sauvignon Blanc poster on the wall but that it was upside down. He told me the reason for that but I'm old and have forgotten it. It seems it was a joke between him and Cindy Pawlcyn, the owner. 

Over the years, on every trip to Mustards I would look for this poster. It was always there. It moved to different spots over the years but it was always there and always upside down. Except for the last time. It was on its side. 

So, to answer the question, "Is Time Fun When You're Having Flies", yes it is. But it's also fun making serious wine and when your cabernets "taste of the dust of Rutherford".

 

 

 

Under The Moon And A Palm Tree

I was there the last night. I was under a palm tree. My beach cruiser was leaning against it. The moon was out. I might have had a to-go cup of Talisker with ice. The beach cruiser had a cupholder. I was waiting for Zack to finish. I wanted to say goodbye. I knew he was leaving. He knew I couldn’t give him his letters. Nothing Mary said would make him stay. He knew how I felt about him and Mary. It’s hard when your best two friends are a couple. Their conversation only lasted a few minutes. It seemed longer.

It was the end of October. It was almost time for me to leave. I always had a certain melancholy the last week of my stays. The weather was great. Not too cool, not too hot, not too humid, just right. The windows and doors were open. I overheard their conversation. They were standing in the living room, next to her desk, so it was hard for me not to hear. I sat, sipped, and waited.

“You’re going; aren’t you? “  Mary said.

“Yes.”

“I see you’ve lost your wedding ring.” She was looking at his left hand. There was a pale band on his tanned finger where his gold wedding ring should have been.

“It doesn’t belong there anymore,” Zack said.

“When you say going, you’re not talking about Vail, are you?”

“No Mary I’m not talking about Vail,” he said.

“You always leave the women who love you. You left Abby. You left Brenda. You left Maggie. Now, you’re leaving me. Why is that?”

“I could never give them the love they wanted or needed.”

“You’re going back to Abby. Why?”

“She was the first. I gave a piece of my heart to her. I never got it back.”

“Can’t we try one more time?”

"I read the letter you left on my door. Everything you wrote was true. You read Abby’s letters. You know I have to go.”

“I read them. I shouldn’t have but I did. I don’t care about the letters, Zack. I don’t care about the weekend you spent with her. I care about you. Please, stay. 

“I can’t.”

“All those nights I fell asleep in the crook of your arm, I felt safe, secure… I thought I belonged there…. I thought I would feel that way forever.”

“Mary, don’t do this.”

“What does it feel like when she whispers your name while you’re …Does it…”

“Please stop,” he said.

“I’m sorry, I’m being rude. That’s none of my business….  I was curious,” she said.

“Why would you ask something like that?”

“A long time ago, you told me that you have to live in the present. You can’t change what happened in the past. It’s done and finished. You lied to me.”   

“I can’t change the past. I’ve tried to block out the past with liquor. It helped me deal with a life I don’t understand. I was always good at starting relationships, but I never had what it takes to complete them. You want things from me I can’t give. You need someone who can give you those things. I’m sure you had that kind of relationship with Jack.”

“Jack? What are you talking about?”

“I know about Jack. You still keep his letters in the top of your closet in the bedroom. You tie them with white ribbon. I came across them when you asked me to fix the shelf in there. I didn’t read them other than the top one to see who wrote them. I knew that wasn’t my handwriting. You never told me the whole story about you and Jack.” 

Mary looked toward the bedroom.

“I didn’t take them. What good would it do for me to take them? I can’t take away the memories. I can’t take away the dreams. If Jack walked in right now and asked you to go with him, what would you do? Would you stay or would you go? We both have been unhappy for a long time.”

“Is this retaliation for Jack?”

“This isn’t about revenge.”

“Jack was before I met you. Those letters have nothing to do with this.”

“I’m glad you had Jack. You deserve a man who understands you and can give you what you need. I can’t do it. I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t marry Jack. I married you. I made a life with you. The good times and the bad times we’ve experienced are the pages of that life. I can’t pretend they never happened. How can you? We haven’t always been happy. But until this happened I thought we had always been honest.”

“You didn’t marry Jack, but Jack showed you what a life could be with a person you truly loved. He was the reason you had the courage to leave Bill. You know about Abby, but I don’t think Bill knows anything about Jack. I could be wrong. Bill might know everything about Jack. Mary, don’t act like you don’t know why I’m doing this. You know because you did it, too. If we had been honest, I would have known everything about Jack, and you would have known everything about Abby. Neither of us would have any poorly hidden letters.”

“She broke your heart. She’s going to do it again. No one is going to love you more than I do.”

“Things might not work out between Abby and me. I know that. But I have to try. Twenty years ago I was arrogant and stupid. I thought it would be easy to find another person like her. She didn’t break my heart. I did that myself. I’m not walking away this time. If my heart gets broken this time, Abby will have to do it.”

“Don’t throw away what we have, looking into the past for something that wasn’t there in the first place. If she loved you, she would have never let you walk away.”

“You’re forgetting about the arrogance of youth. We did a lot of things back then because we thought we were bulletproof. Life changes us. It shows us we’re not.”

“Why won’t you give me a chance to change?” She looked at her mother’s picture on her desk.

“You shouldn’t have to change for me. I should accept you the way you are.”

“Twenty years ago, one of you would have had to change for you to stay together.”

“We didn’t want to change. We had all the answers. No one could tell us anything. Life has changed me. It’s tempered my arrogance. All I want now is a second chance with Abby.”

“Zack, look at me. This has never really been about you and me has it? You wouldn’t be going, if she wasn’t out there, would you?”

“No, I wouldn’t be going if she wasn’t out there. I would be here letting your love talk me out of leaving one more time.”

“You never loved me, did you?”

“That’s not true. Sometimes when you try to change the other person, the love changes. I love you now, but not the way you want me to.”

“We had real love in the beginning, didn’t we.”

“Yes, in the beginning, we had real love.”

She shook her head. “You’re such an asshole. And you’re stubborn. Nothing I say or do is going to change that.”

“Yes, I am a stubborn asshole.”

“I sat up last night putting this together.” She handed him a thick envelope. “Please take it and look at it later. You need to sort this out in your own mind. When you figure out it was only lust, you’ll want to come back. I won’t promise I’ll always be here, but I’m here now.”

Zack took the envelope. “I have to go.”

There was sadness in her eyes. “Then go. Just go.”

“Mary, one day …”

“You know that’s bullshit. I’ve already found the only man I’ll ever love. The problem is he doesn’t love me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?  Go and don’t you dare say goodbye.”

He turned to go. He caught a glimpse of her father in the picture on her desk. 

“Zack.” She stood with her body trembling. Her head held high. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

He nodded his head. “If I was a better man, I would have all the answers. I don’t.

“Then, why are you leaving?”

“Because I don’t have all the answers, and I should.”

*****

He came down the steps. He walked over to his car and placed the envelope she had given him on the seat. He looked up and saw me. I was now standing, leaning against the tall palm. He walked over to me.

“Rat, what are you doing here?”

I looked at him and said. “I wanted to say goodbye. I knew you were leaving.”

“I was coming by your house to say goodbye.”

“Sure you were. You’re leaving Mary aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“You never listen to me.”

“Not this time. I’m hurting a lot of people, but I can’t see any other way. I’ve got to do this.”

“You’re never going to find another place like this. This is paradise. Up there is a woman who loves you. You are throwing all that away on the chance that you made a mistake twenty years ago. Do you know how crazy that sounds?”

“Second chances are rare. They don’t happen that often. If I don’t take this one, I won’t get another. All I want is another chance with Abby.”

“A fucking hopeless romantic.”

“Maybe. I don’t know why life has to be so complicated.”

“So that you will appreciate it when it’s not.”

“I’ll have to remember that.”

“I didn’t come over here to talk you into staying.”

“No?”

“No. I came to tell you to go. You need to go and find out. If you don’t, you’ll live with regret. You’ll end up drinking your fucking life away. You’ll always be the life of the party. You’ll always wonder why you never had the guts to trust your heart. Don’t let her get away, Zack. Don’t wait until it’s too late and you don’t have the chance because she’s dead... Don’t do what I….” I was shaking a little and had a quiver in my voice.

“Rat, I know. You don’t have to say it. Abby and I have unfinished business. You know exactly what that means.”

We didn’t say anything for a minute. “You better get out of here. The real reason I came over here was to help Mary with the posters.”

“Posters?”

“Yeah, She has these posters with your picture on them and she has lots of them.”

“My picture?”

“Yeah, over top of your picture it says: Wanted Dead Or Alive. Ten Thousand Dollars Reward.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but that’s not the part that would worry me.”

“No?”

“No. On the bottom it says: Preferably Dead. That would worry me.”

“I guess I better leave.”

He grabbed my hand and shook it. He pulled me into a bear hug. I hugged him back. He started to get into the car but stopped. “Are you going to give me my letters?”

“I can’t do that. I made a promise to Mary. I can’t break it.”

“I see you’ve made your choice then.”

“Yes, I’ve made my choice.”

He looked at me and then nodded his head.  “Goodbye old friend.”

“I didn’t make any promise about these letters,” I said. I reached behind the palm tree and picked up a large envelope. I threw him the packet of letters Abby had given me that were from him. They were far more incriminating than Mary’s packet of letters from her.

He caught them. Looked at them and then he tossed them back to me. “You keep them. That’s only fair. If you end up giving them to Mary, her lawyer will love it. He’ll read those and smell victory.”

“Goodbye, Zack. You be careful out there.”

He nodded. He got into his car and left. He could never come back. I know that made him sad. I watched him leave. Then I climbed the steps to find Mary. She was sitting in the living room.

“Mary. I figured you could use a friend right now.”

She had a vacant stare. She said nothing. I turned to leave. “Don’t go, Rat...He’s not coming back, is he?”

“No, he’s not coming back.”

“He loves her. Doesn’t he?”

“He’s loved her for a long time.”

I stayed with Mary that night. No, it wasn’t like that. I’m not a creep and that would be creepy. She needed a friend. That night I was her friend. I’d made my choice.

****

Zack stopped for gas.  He looked over into the passenger seat.  The envelope Mary had given him sat there. He opened it.  Out dropped, a folded piece of paper, a bundle of photographs and a thin white book. She had taken apart their picture albums.                                

Zack,

It wasn’t easy narrowing it down but please carry these with you. Not now but one day we will remember and enjoy with no pain. We had some good times. In case I ever forget, please save them for me. I’ll miss lying in the crook but we’ll both be better. That’s a promise. I love you. I hope you find your happiness.

Always,

Mary

Zack moved the car underneath a streetlight. There in picture form was the story of their life together. The packet included the marriage service book used in Vermont fourteen years earlier. She wanted the ceremony to be perfect. “Let’s keep it simple and true.” She blocked out parts of the ceremony. She changed words.

He looked at the faces. Each was a memory. Not all were good memories. Life has it's ups and downs. Sadness entered his eyes. It would never go away. Mary had laid out the price. He put the pictures, note and book back in the envelop. He put a tape in the car player. Edith Piaf came out of the speakers. As he drove into the darkness, he heard the French words, "C'est l'amour qui fait pleurer..." It is love that makes us cry.