Under The Moon And A Palm Tree

I was there the last night. I was under a palm tree. My beach cruiser was leaning against it. The moon was out. I might have had a to-go cup of Talisker with ice. The beach cruiser had a cupholder. I was waiting for Zack to finish. I wanted to say goodbye. I knew he was leaving. He knew I couldn’t give him his letters. Nothing Mary said would make him stay. He knew how I felt about him and Mary. It’s hard when your best two friends are a couple. Their conversation only lasted a few minutes. It seemed longer.

It was the end of October. It was almost time for me to leave. I always had a certain melancholy the last week of my stays. The weather was great. Not too cool, not too hot, not too humid, just right. The windows and doors were open. I overheard their conversation. They were standing in the living room, next to her desk, so it was hard for me not to hear. I sat, sipped, and waited.

“You’re going; aren’t you? “  Mary said.

“Yes.”

“I see you’ve lost your wedding ring.” She was looking at his left hand. There was a pale band on his tanned finger where his gold wedding ring should have been.

“It doesn’t belong there anymore,” Zack said.

“When you say going, you’re not talking about Vail, are you?”

“No Mary I’m not talking about Vail,” he said.

“You always leave the women who love you. You left Abby. You left Brenda. You left Maggie. Now, you’re leaving me. Why is that?”

“I could never give them the love they wanted or needed.”

“You’re going back to Abby. Why?”

“She was the first. I gave a piece of my heart to her. I never got it back.”

“Can’t we try one more time?”

"I read the letter you left on my door. Everything you wrote was true. You read Abby’s letters. You know I have to go.”

“I read them. I shouldn’t have but I did. I don’t care about the letters, Zack. I don’t care about the weekend you spent with her. I care about you. Please, stay. 

“I can’t.”

“All those nights I fell asleep in the crook of your arm, I felt safe, secure… I thought I belonged there…. I thought I would feel that way forever.”

“Mary, don’t do this.”

“What does it feel like when she whispers your name while you’re …Does it…”

“Please stop,” he said.

“I’m sorry, I’m being rude. That’s none of my business….  I was curious,” she said.

“Why would you ask something like that?”

“A long time ago, you told me that you have to live in the present. You can’t change what happened in the past. It’s done and finished. You lied to me.”   

“I can’t change the past. I’ve tried to block out the past with liquor. It helped me deal with a life I don’t understand. I was always good at starting relationships, but I never had what it takes to complete them. You want things from me I can’t give. You need someone who can give you those things. I’m sure you had that kind of relationship with Jack.”

“Jack? What are you talking about?”

“I know about Jack. You still keep his letters in the top of your closet in the bedroom. You tie them with white ribbon. I came across them when you asked me to fix the shelf in there. I didn’t read them other than the top one to see who wrote them. I knew that wasn’t my handwriting. You never told me the whole story about you and Jack.” 

Mary looked toward the bedroom.

“I didn’t take them. What good would it do for me to take them? I can’t take away the memories. I can’t take away the dreams. If Jack walked in right now and asked you to go with him, what would you do? Would you stay or would you go? We both have been unhappy for a long time.”

“Is this retaliation for Jack?”

“This isn’t about revenge.”

“Jack was before I met you. Those letters have nothing to do with this.”

“I’m glad you had Jack. You deserve a man who understands you and can give you what you need. I can’t do it. I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t marry Jack. I married you. I made a life with you. The good times and the bad times we’ve experienced are the pages of that life. I can’t pretend they never happened. How can you? We haven’t always been happy. But until this happened I thought we had always been honest.”

“You didn’t marry Jack, but Jack showed you what a life could be with a person you truly loved. He was the reason you had the courage to leave Bill. You know about Abby, but I don’t think Bill knows anything about Jack. I could be wrong. Bill might know everything about Jack. Mary, don’t act like you don’t know why I’m doing this. You know because you did it, too. If we had been honest, I would have known everything about Jack, and you would have known everything about Abby. Neither of us would have any poorly hidden letters.”

“She broke your heart. She’s going to do it again. No one is going to love you more than I do.”

“Things might not work out between Abby and me. I know that. But I have to try. Twenty years ago I was arrogant and stupid. I thought it would be easy to find another person like her. She didn’t break my heart. I did that myself. I’m not walking away this time. If my heart gets broken this time, Abby will have to do it.”

“Don’t throw away what we have, looking into the past for something that wasn’t there in the first place. If she loved you, she would have never let you walk away.”

“You’re forgetting about the arrogance of youth. We did a lot of things back then because we thought we were bulletproof. Life changes us. It shows us we’re not.”

“Why won’t you give me a chance to change?” She looked at her mother’s picture on her desk.

“You shouldn’t have to change for me. I should accept you the way you are.”

“Twenty years ago, one of you would have had to change for you to stay together.”

“We didn’t want to change. We had all the answers. No one could tell us anything. Life has changed me. It’s tempered my arrogance. All I want now is a second chance with Abby.”

“Zack, look at me. This has never really been about you and me has it? You wouldn’t be going, if she wasn’t out there, would you?”

“No, I wouldn’t be going if she wasn’t out there. I would be here letting your love talk me out of leaving one more time.”

“You never loved me, did you?”

“That’s not true. Sometimes when you try to change the other person, the love changes. I love you now, but not the way you want me to.”

“We had real love in the beginning, didn’t we.”

“Yes, in the beginning, we had real love.”

She shook her head. “You’re such an asshole. And you’re stubborn. Nothing I say or do is going to change that.”

“Yes, I am a stubborn asshole.”

“I sat up last night putting this together.” She handed him a thick envelope. “Please take it and look at it later. You need to sort this out in your own mind. When you figure out it was only lust, you’ll want to come back. I won’t promise I’ll always be here, but I’m here now.”

Zack took the envelope. “I have to go.”

There was sadness in her eyes. “Then go. Just go.”

“Mary, one day …”

“You know that’s bullshit. I’ve already found the only man I’ll ever love. The problem is he doesn’t love me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?  Go and don’t you dare say goodbye.”

He turned to go. He caught a glimpse of her father in the picture on her desk. 

“Zack.” She stood with her body trembling. Her head held high. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

He nodded his head. “If I was a better man, I would have all the answers. I don’t.

“Then, why are you leaving?”

“Because I don’t have all the answers, and I should.”

*****

He came down the steps. He walked over to his car and placed the envelope she had given him on the seat. He looked up and saw me. I was now standing, leaning against the tall palm. He walked over to me.

“Rat, what are you doing here?”

I looked at him and said. “I wanted to say goodbye. I knew you were leaving.”

“I was coming by your house to say goodbye.”

“Sure you were. You’re leaving Mary aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“You never listen to me.”

“Not this time. I’m hurting a lot of people, but I can’t see any other way. I’ve got to do this.”

“You’re never going to find another place like this. This is paradise. Up there is a woman who loves you. You are throwing all that away on the chance that you made a mistake twenty years ago. Do you know how crazy that sounds?”

“Second chances are rare. They don’t happen that often. If I don’t take this one, I won’t get another. All I want is another chance with Abby.”

“A fucking hopeless romantic.”

“Maybe. I don’t know why life has to be so complicated.”

“So that you will appreciate it when it’s not.”

“I’ll have to remember that.”

“I didn’t come over here to talk you into staying.”

“No?”

“No. I came to tell you to go. You need to go and find out. If you don’t, you’ll live with regret. You’ll end up drinking your fucking life away. You’ll always be the life of the party. You’ll always wonder why you never had the guts to trust your heart. Don’t let her get away, Zack. Don’t wait until it’s too late and you don’t have the chance because she’s dead... Don’t do what I….” I was shaking a little and had a quiver in my voice.

“Rat, I know. You don’t have to say it. Abby and I have unfinished business. You know exactly what that means.”

We didn’t say anything for a minute. “You better get out of here. The real reason I came over here was to help Mary with the posters.”

“Posters?”

“Yeah, She has these posters with your picture on them and she has lots of them.”

“My picture?”

“Yeah, over top of your picture it says: Wanted Dead Or Alive. Ten Thousand Dollars Reward.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but that’s not the part that would worry me.”

“No?”

“No. On the bottom it says: Preferably Dead. That would worry me.”

“I guess I better leave.”

He grabbed my hand and shook it. He pulled me into a bear hug. I hugged him back. He started to get into the car but stopped. “Are you going to give me my letters?”

“I can’t do that. I made a promise to Mary. I can’t break it.”

“I see you’ve made your choice then.”

“Yes, I’ve made my choice.”

He looked at me and then nodded his head.  “Goodbye old friend.”

“I didn’t make any promise about these letters,” I said. I reached behind the palm tree and picked up a large envelope. I threw him the packet of letters Abby had given me that were from him. They were far more incriminating than Mary’s packet of letters from her.

He caught them. Looked at them and then he tossed them back to me. “You keep them. That’s only fair. If you end up giving them to Mary, her lawyer will love it. He’ll read those and smell victory.”

“Goodbye, Zack. You be careful out there.”

He nodded. He got into his car and left. He could never come back. I know that made him sad. I watched him leave. Then I climbed the steps to find Mary. She was sitting in the living room.

“Mary. I figured you could use a friend right now.”

She had a vacant stare. She said nothing. I turned to leave. “Don’t go, Rat...He’s not coming back, is he?”

“No, he’s not coming back.”

“He loves her. Doesn’t he?”

“He’s loved her for a long time.”

I stayed with Mary that night. No, it wasn’t like that. I’m not a creep and that would be creepy. She needed a friend. That night I was her friend. I’d made my choice.

****

Zack stopped for gas.  He looked over into the passenger seat.  The envelope Mary had given him sat there. He opened it.  Out dropped, a folded piece of paper, a bundle of photographs and a thin white book. She had taken apart their picture albums.                                

Zack,

It wasn’t easy narrowing it down but please carry these with you. Not now but one day we will remember and enjoy with no pain. We had some good times. In case I ever forget, please save them for me. I’ll miss lying in the crook but we’ll both be better. That’s a promise. I love you. I hope you find your happiness.

Always,

Mary

Zack moved the car underneath a streetlight. There in picture form was the story of their life together. The packet included the marriage service book used in Vermont fourteen years earlier. She wanted the ceremony to be perfect. “Let’s keep it simple and true.” She blocked out parts of the ceremony. She changed words.

He looked at the faces. Each was a memory. Not all were good memories. Life has it's ups and downs. Sadness entered his eyes. It would never go away. Mary had laid out the price. He put the pictures, note and book back in the envelop. He put a tape in the car player. Edith Piaf came out of the speakers. As he drove into the darkness, he heard the French words, "C'est l'amour qui fait pleurer..." It is love that makes us cry.